Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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