She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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