apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I came so hard my ears popped.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
