According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
