I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
