I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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