My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
