I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
