You smell like a Billy Joel song
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
