he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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