u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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