walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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