I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
