I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
