Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
