My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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