I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
