Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
