If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
