haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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