She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
