Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
