I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
