i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
