I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
