I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
