So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
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