Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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