In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
