I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i need an iv and a liver transplant
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
