I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize