Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
