dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
