This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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