i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
