I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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