i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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