Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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