her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
