Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
