So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
