god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize