I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
