I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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