the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
