You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
