everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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