Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just gift wrapped bread.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
