Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just pee around me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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