we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
