I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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