We're facebook friends in real life
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
a search helicopter?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize