I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
