....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
