If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
