He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
