i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
