They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You can't motorboat a personality
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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