break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
