you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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