Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
