Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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