Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm gonna fight the coyote
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
