guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
